The Switch

Nobody goes to see a romantic comedy and expect to be surprised. We know the plot before movie starts. Boy meets girl, boy engages in a hilarious subterfuge with the coaxing of a quirky side kick, girl finds out, boy loses girl, boy runs to airport in the rain, girl forgives boy with very public display of affection. We don’t want to stray from the path, we know the destination and we just want to have few laughs on route. We know most Rom Coms are formulaic, but the romantic in us keeps this genre lucrative.

While Jennifer Aniston is close to being labeled Box-Office napalm, the initial appeal of The Switch is Jason Bateman. His wonderful performance as Michael Bluth in Arrested Development and a surprising turn in Juno, have deservedly rescued this former child-star from oblivion and made him a very likeable everyman. His film roles since have been less than challenging, so here is his opportunity to crank up the star power and carry a movie. Unfortunately he doesn’t do either.

The concept is simple in theory but very complicated and slightly unsettling in practice. Aniston needs a sperm donor, Bateman is her best friend but she doesn’t want him to be the donor. He gets drunk and switches his product with the donor’s. 7 years later they meet again and he realizes the kid is his.

As a movie The Switch is crap, as a romantic comedy it’s nothing short of a disaster. There are so many problems with this film that it is hard to pinpoint which one drags it from bland to infuriating. There is zero chemistry between the two leads. I’m not even sure if they like each other so the idea of them falling in love is going to be a stretch. It is never explained how they became friends, or why they remain so when one barely tolerates the other. A puzzling, indolent voice over describes events that happen off camera. For example, Aniston’s character leaves NYC after she gets pregnant and returns 7 years later. It’s never clear why this happened or why they lost contact And there is no comedy in this Rom-Com. Jeff Goldblum plays the quirky sidekick role but he’s the only one laughing at his quips, probably because he can’t believe he’s getting paid to spout this nonsense. Granted, the cute kid is cute, and his precocious neurosis provides the movie’s sole charm, but did we really need a bonding scene revolving around headlice? Everyone in the cinema was itching at that point and not just to leave the theatre.

The usual plot devices are there, but they never ring true. There is a romantic interloper, a coupling that springs up so suddenly and insincerely it couldn’t possibly be perceived as a threat. There is an inappropriate and public admission of truth, which produces much eye-rolling. And of course there is the soundtrack (Eels, if I remember correctly) montage of the lonely lead pondering his mistakes. At this point we are just waiting for the dash to the airport.

But it doesn’t happen. In fact nothing happens, just the weakest most unsatisfactory proposal in the history of cinema, where the response is “...probably”

Aniston will be blamed for the failure of The Switch, and although she is horrific, it’s unfair to place the blame solely on her shoulders. This is a lazy effort. The performances, the script, the humour, the pace – it’s all ineffective. It seems like all the cast and crew where contractually obliged to make this film, when nobody really wanted to. The Switch is too lethargic to fit into the genre, yet it’s too formulaic to be anything else.

Dollhouse

Being a huge fan of Buffy and thoroughly impressed with the short-lived Firefly, I was very much looking forward to Joss Whedon’s new venture Dollhouse. Joss has the ability to make cheesy, potentially mind numbing concepts into insightful and humorous treats. Here, he takes a very high-concept plot device and the results are surprising and hugely disappointing

The Dollhouse may look like a very exclusive spa but it is in fact a covert and highly illegal operation that treats humans as a blank slate that can be programmed with character traits and abilities for anyone willing to pay the high price for their service. These could come in the form of a sexual plaything or a muscle for hire, and the mission concludes with their memories erased. Buffy alumni, Eliza Dushku, plays one of the “actives” Echo, who as her codename foretells, is slowly beginning to piece together the residual memories of previous missions to form a vague semblance of a personality. But the Dollhouse is no place for individuals and her behaviour draws the attention of her employer/captors. A stubborn cop is on the trail of the Dollhouse, only to be ridiculed by colleagues and superiors who think it a myth.

There are many names in the credits that are familiar to Buffy fans: writers, producers, actors. So why it is reminiscent of an eighties soft porn show is baffling. The Harold Faltamyer –like soundtrack and the countless boob and ab shots are embarrassing. Dusku is a co-producer of the show so I can only guess it is with her approval but this likeable and gifted actress is not doing herself any favours by allowing the focus to be on her body rather than her abilities. The results are often embarrassing, and Whedon should be ashamed of himself for condoning such titillation.

Perhaps the main problem with the show is the concept. If a key player is supposed to be void of personality, how can an actress bring something unique to the role? If that character is then programmed with a new identity, how can a viewer become consistently engaged with that personality? It seems that Whedon has set himself up for failure even before the cameras started rolling. Whedon’s skills are with characters, wit and dialogue, but has chosen to focus on scenarios leaving little room for any of these. The script is too concerned with explaining both the over-all and weekly set-up, leaving it void of heart or charm.
There are no stand outs from the rest of the cast. Topher, the geeky scientist responsible for programming and wiping, is just plain hateful. His attempts at endearing humour fall flat and he has a smirk that incites violence. Boyd, Echo’s handler is wooden. Olivia Williams is the head of the organisation, but brings nothing to the role apart from her menacing British accent. The cop, Ballard (played by Helo from BSG) has yet to impress.

I’m trying to think of something positive to say about Dollhouse, but I’m struggling. I will keep watching in the hope that I can see some of that old Buffy magic but I’m doubtful. Luckily I believe that I won’t be watching for long. This show will be cancelled quite soon. And I can’t believe that I’ll support that decision.

New Television: Fringe

Fringe is one of the few shows of the new season that I was eagerly awaiting. It’s a concept from JJ Abrahms so it’s automatically got some buzz, but it also sees the return of another JJ – Joshua Jackson- to TV. Jackson played Pacey in Dawson’s Creek with such charm and wit it turned the whole dynamic of the show on its head. It’s been too long, welcome back Pacey. But was it worth the wait?

Despite my initial research on the show, I was unable to find a satisfactory blurb to describe what the hell it was about. It’s not easy to sum up in a sound bite so, having finally seen episode 1, here goes. A female FBI liaison officer (whatever that is) associates with a criminally insane scientist and his estranged maverick of son, who happens to have an off-the-chart IQ. She enlists them to help solve freakish cases concerning what is called fringe science, meaning paranormal activities. Clear?

The first episode sets the scene and although we would expect a swift course of action to get things moving along, the break-neck speed at which our heroine Olivia investigates and partners with the young genius and his loopy Dad, is quite unsettling. It is not clear as to what status Olivia has within the FBI, but she seems to have a lot of resources at her disposal for someone playing the overlooked female card. Within the first 40 minutes she has chartered a plane to Iraq, interviewed and discharged an isolated criminal psych patient, fitted out an extensive laboratory and moved a dying comatose man to aforementioned makeshift lab – along with a jersey cow. Olivia’s blind faith in the ramblings of a convicted felon who hasn’t so much as fondled a test tube in 15 years is the show’s biggest implausibility. Science fiction fans can suspend disbelief for tele-transportation, time travel and psychic phenomena quicker than a Republican candidate can forget who was in power for the last 8 years, but one thing we cannot excuse is weakness of character. And a Sci Fi show will live or die by the warmth, courage and the intelligence of its heroes.

Fringe is a big disappointment. I was bored. The Olivia character is cast well. The actress, unknown to me, plays the role with a balance strength and vulnerability. But she needs an injection of wit to save us from her misplaced tenacity. The minor characters are less participants, more lurkers. And as for Joshua Jackson, he does nothing but begrudgingly babysit his eccentric father. For someone who has an IQ of 190, he contributed nothing to the mystery at hand. Not even a cheeky glint of his eye. What a waste! Fringe has been compared to The X-Files - one advocate, one sceptic of paranormal events. Unfortunately Pacey Witter cannot compensate for the lack of pace and wit so prevalent in its predecessor.

Movie Mash: Create your own Movie!

A few weeks ago, a friend and I developed a new pub game, which we are hoping to spread to imbibing movie fans everywhere. The idea is that you take two movie titles that share a common word – we’ll allow a classic tv title if it’s worth it – to create a brand new movie. For example...


The Lost Boyz in the Hood.
A young man, despite the best efforts of his father, is lured into the vampire gang violence

Licence to Driving Miss Daisy
Two teenagers steal a car to get driving practice, unaware that an elderly woman is in the back seating, expecting to be chauffeured.

An Inconvenient Truth about Cats and Dogs
A glamorous politician is seen by the world to be preaching environmental awareness, but it’s really his shy, less attractive colleague writing the words behind the scenes!

Are you loving it? Here’s a few more...

Raging Bull Durham
The bloody and inspirational story of a terrific boxer ...and his love of baseball.

Remains of the Days of Thunder
The poignant story of a traditional stoic butler and his unspoken love for an arrogant racing car driver

Annie Hall, Get Your Gun
A high energy musical about a neurotic comedian tracing the history of his failed relationship with a cross-dressing sharp-shooter.

Blue Hawaii 5-0
Elvis plays a detective in Hawaii who’s a singer by night.

Notting Hills Have Eyes
A whimsical yet often hilarious look at what happens when an ordinary book shop owner falls in love mutant cannibalistic hillbilly

The Magnificent Seven years in Tibet
The epic tale of seven gunslingers and their struggle to find redemption and peace as Tibet is over taken by Mexican bandits

Field of Dreamgirls
A poor Midwestern farmer builds a theatre in his cornfield on the hope that Motown singers will appear.

And so on. Much hilarity ensues. Genuinely, I think this is how movie executives come up with ideas. Add your suggestions to the comments below so I can win the next round!!

Television: Burn Notice

The tagline for cable channel USA Network is Characters Welcome and that resonates a lot with me. I have a deep hatred of reality TV and unscripted shows. Somebody said that drama is life with all the dull bits taken out. That means that Reality TV is drama with all the dull bits left in. Although occasionally lovely in person real people, as far as TV goes, are quite dull and if they are going to great lengths to be interesting for the sake of TV, that makes them unstable. For a network to buck the populist trend and corroborate my critique, makes me feel vindicated.

Burn Notice is already into its second season on the USA Network. It’s a hard show to catch. It’s not shown on any Canadian network but it is available on the new Super Channel subscription service. It’s a show that deserves a wider audience, but that’s the beauty of cable. They are not slaves to audience meters. Michael Weston is a spy, in the full James Bond sense of the word. He’s a multi-linguist, he’s knows his weapons, he’s a master of subterfuge. He’s an ass-kicking, cool dude. But then he gets fired without warning in the middle of a case - the titular Burn Notice. He has no money, no ID, no plan. Thankfully, he is stranded in Miami, which makes for a far more exciting backdrop then say, Wisconsin or Navan. Michael is stuck in Miami until he finds out why he was burned. To assist him he has an ex-girlfriend, a friend of dubious motives and an overbearing mother.

If I were to pitch this show in one phrase it would be MacGyver meets The Equalizer. Michael's primary focus is to clear his name and get his job back, but he’s a good soul and cannot resist a sob story. He helps the helpless and with the aid of some chewing gum, a dozen bottles of peroxide and various cell phone parts, he can trace the activities of a cheating husband or bring down Miami’s most notorious drug cartel.

In a TV landscape populated with talent shows and teen melodrama it’s good to have a bit of old fashioned hokum. Burn Notice is good solid entertainment. There’s no subtext, it’s not complex but it can be clever. And for those of us who are not up to speed with the latest espionage techniques, Michael provides a helpful voiceover. Jeffery Donavan is a great find as Michael and Sharon Gless channels her inner Pat Butcher to play his Mum. Bruce Campbell is enjoying himself immensely supping beer in South Beach hotspots and playing the fool as Michael’s friend and most-times ally. But Gabrielle Anwar, playing his trigger happy ex, Fiona, is where it all could have gone horribly wrong. Allow me explain.

I was slightly concerned in the very first episode when they announced that she was Irish and she used to be a gun runner for the IRA. I braced myself for yet another awful Hollywood Irish accent but also grimaced because it still seems too soon to be making light-hearted japes about “The Troubles”. But then again, it didn’t seem to take that long for Hollywood to take the IRA from threat to heroine. Sign of the times, I suppose. Hell, Harold and Kumar just escaped from Gitmo! But curiously, the writers decided to back track on the Irish issue. And then I got really mad. She announced in an episode two or three that she couldn’t walk around Miami “talking like a leprechaun” and would therefore no longer be speaking with a brogue. A word to the writers: leprechauns only exist in the minds of US tourists and in the paraphernalia the Irish sell to them. And no Irish person would even use the word leprechaun, let alone compare their accent to one. But I’ve decided to overlook that shameful blip. Anwar is quite good in the role, bringing a great sense of fun laced with menace and let’s face it, and I’ve witnessed far more offensive things on television. Rock of Love, for example.

Television: In Plain Sight

It’s been a while. And I have no excuse. Although the writers’ strike put a spanner in the TV works, there was still a steady, albeit mediocre, stream of TV over the last few months. So thank God for cable. While other channels are busy cancelling their dramas and replacing them with Rock of Love or eighties TV stars in hilarious and challenging situations, US cable channels have been quietly airing some new shows. And although, none are outstanding, the ardent viewer can indulge, safe in the knowledge that low viewership is not a precursor to the guillotine.
From USA Network, In Plain Sight has a dull name and a text book premise, but it’s lifted out of the mire, thanks to a refreshing performance from lead, Mary McCormack. Mary Shannon is a federal marshal in Albuquerque, assigned to protect the anonymity of those under the witness protection program. The action revolves around possible breaches of their security or hazards that may be connected to their status.
The plots involving the witnesses are mildly diverting but it’s the series regulars who provide the most appeal. Mary’s partner, the aptly named Marshall, is a possessor of a wit as gravel-like as his voice. He’s a potential romantic interest for he’s obviously very fond of her beneath all that fraternal joshing. Mary has a number of admirers: her older, jovial boss; a cop who’s both irate and intrigued by her refusal to co-operate; a hunky semi pro baseball player who wants much more from her than the occasional shag Mary is offering. Given the amount of male attention this woman is receiving, she should be one of the most hated characters ever conceived. Thankfully McCormack’s performance is spot on. She’s intuitive, bitchy, sarcastic, brutally honest and mercifully oblivious to the effect she has on men. At the core of her attitude is a lack of self-worth that has yet to be explored. Mary can control the lives and lifestyles of those she is protecting so that she doesn’t have to display any control in her domestic situation.
The weak link in this show is her family. Her mother is an irresponsible lush. Her sister is a troublemaking skank (is there any other kind?). For reasons that have escaped me, both are indefinitely encroaching on Mary’s hospitality and causing her no end of bother. I assume they are brought in for light relief, but they fall flat. They are annoying and charmless.
In Plain Sight will succeed as long as it focuses on the regular characters. The concept that so many witnesses are located in the same area seems careless in plot and downright lethal in practice. Mary calls all characters by their original names. Shouldn’t they be identified by new names? Isn’t rebranding part of the protection too? There are many holes in the structure of this show, but I’ll forgive them. Strong female leads are often pitched but rarely work this well. And she doesn’t even have a superpower!

Television: Terminator-The Sarah Connor Chronicles

The Terminator is my second favourite movie of all time. Sure, visually it may not have stood the test of time and let's not forget that it was a star vehicle for the now Governor of California, but it is a cracking thrill ride with a mind-bending plot. And, from my pre-teens to a number of years after its release, I was totally in love with the character of Kyle Reese. It spawned two sequels. The first was a credible extension of the story, the third, an interesting but depressing flash forward.

The news of a series based on the movies was not something I received with glee. I believed it to be another example of a creatively bankrupt network attaching its aspirations to an existing fan base. It's not a tale that fans demanded be continued and I have to question if there is material to justify a series.

But of course, inspite of its absurdly long moniker, I tuned in. I had to. In fact, I tuned in to all ten episodes of the writers'-strike-shortened season. Lena Headley (300) plays Sarah Connor, whose teenage son, John, is the freedom fighter of the future. The series picks up a few years after T2, with a few respectful nods to T3's plot details. Sarah and John are still on the run from the cops and an FBI investigation. They discover that another terminator is on their trail. John's high school friend reveals herself to be a smoking hot cyborg with a mission to protect him. And that's it. There is really not a lot else going on. The concept is perfect for a finite movie (or four), but there is no longevity for a series. It's constrictive. There are few opportunities for new dynamics. It's not like Sarah can get a job in a law firm and crusade against injustice. Their fight against Cyberdyne is myopic and restricted to subterfuge.

But somehow it works. It's credible. Although not compelling, it's commendable. The performances are adequate and I mean that as a complement. It must be tremendously difficult to inhabit the roles of such iconic characters. They have the weight of the future to bear, and it's not just the fembot that seems robotic, but I'm okay with that. It's a pre-apocalyptic scenario but there are chinks of humour and humanity that draw you in. Believe it or not, the appearance of Brian Austin Green (around episode 6) re-energises the show. He leaves the zip code of 90120 far behind him. Bravo BAG!

The series debuted with huge audience numbers. It did not maintain them but, for a mid-season series, it was up there. But the cost of production is so huge that Fox need gangbusters to justify its survival. Perhaps the writers' strike has given it a boost, but as much as I applaud it, I have say there should be no future in this show.

There is a 4th movie in production, Christian Bale will play John Connor, leading the revolution against the machines. The whole premise of the show, and the first two movies, is that the future can be changed. The brave and unpopular step that the third movie took is that there is no changing the future. The fourth movie takes the view that war is inevitable. There are many concepts of time travel that can be probed, but the movies have taken the view that, in this tale, the future cannot be changed: the machines will take over, the apocalypse will happen, the human race will suffer. John Connor will be lead the revolt of a broken and subjugated army and he will succeed. The TV series is grasping that this outcome can be changed. Hollywood has dictated otherwise. Regardless how creative this series can hope to be, it is doomed to fail. The plot cannot be expanded beyond the obvious. The audience knows the outcome, the villain, the hero, the battle, the future. This is the series that should never have been made. There's nothing to tell. The fact that it is has impressed this sceptical fan is quite an achievement and I look forward to seeing more.